6 Months with Change

6 months ago my life changed, Stephanie Stewart changed. Some people accept change hard while some just roll with the punches. Is change good? I think it is, without change we would never grow, we would fail to learn and we would never be able to look back and think of the good and bad of our past.

I have changed so much since May 23, 2009. I lost the innocence to my way of thinking, I once lived on planet care bear, I used to worry little and laugh a lot. Time meant nothing, because in my life, I always had time. Now I worry, I despise waiting, and the small things like sitting on the phone for hours with an old high school friend or watching TV all day doesn't amuse me. I was so close to giving up on all these social networking sites, yet now I allow countless amounts of people into my most personal tragedies.

6 months ago I learned who I needed in my life; I lost so many people who I care about so much, but I’ve changed and they didn’t change with me. I know that they care about me and my loss, but I cannot constantly fly to Florida to avoid the harsh winters.

To some 6 months ago I became “that one girl whose baby died” to me 6 months ago I became Stephanie PROUD mother of an angel. God became a friend to me and not my enemy, I am blessed and things could be a lot worse. I love so hard now it’s scary, I now know how precious life is, and how everyday is not promised.

I daydream about Vayden more now, today he’s been gone for 6 heavenly months; I also daydream about that wonderful day when I see him again in Heaven. I have never set a goal in my life until now; I used to think goals would take me away from my innocent way of thinking if I didn’t reach my set goal for whatever reason. I now for the 1st time in 25 yrs have a goal that I will fight for, crawl to, reach high, and work hard to get……that goal is to get to Heaven so that I can see my baby again.

Half a year has gone and I miss you just as much as they day after you left.
I thank God for blessing me to be able to carry and give birth to an angel in human form.

Mommy miss you Vayden, and I love that you play with Vashon.

I need you all to realize one thing about grief, it does not go away, and we don’t forget about it. Just because I am not a crying mess everyday doesn’t mean I don’t need you to check up on me. I am human and I hurt everyday for my loss. I’m humbled enough to know that Vayden had a bigger purpose in life and death, but that still doesn’t take away from the sharp pains I feel in my heart. I am grieving healthy and progressively healing, but I ask that you not forget about me or Vayden.

The Sculpture Tells The Story

I found The Midnight Orange online while searching for an item to use for a blog giveaway. I fell in love with the work that this artist does. Her sculptures as simple as they are tell a story so powerful.

When you look at these pieces you see my new family. My husband, myself, our 1st born Vashon and our angel Vayden. It's both beautiful and heartbreaking to look at, but it's still our family. What I love about them is we are stuck together, and we are supporting each other.

Dana the artist contacted me to let me know my sculpture would be a little late, she said the first one had an issue when she went to fire it. She asked if I would mind her sending both the new piece and the semi destroyed piece. She did not charge me for the semi destroyed piece but after seeing it, I wish I would have paid her something for it. In my eyes it's beautiful, because in my eyes it tells a story.

Cracked and damaged, the same way we felt when we lost Vayden. Van suffered the most severe damage. I believe this sculpture tells the true story of our initial loss.

So simple and unique these pieces of art are, but the story behind each of them pack so much meaning.

The Stewart Family 2009

The Family Bed

My husband came back yesterday from his deployment a little early, it was perfect timing because I'd say 3 days out of the week I felt like I was going to crack. In our family Vashon sleeps in his own room and bed, but on weekends if he so happens to wake up in the middle of the night or we start missing him, he can come and sleep in our bed. We have the family bed at least once a week. I call Vashon "happy feet" because he moves his feet around when he's sleep, it's the most annoy thing in the world and he always targets my body. My husband loves having him in the bed and since he hasn't seen him in a few months we put Vashon to sleep in his bed and of course went and got him later to put him in bed with us. I laid awake with dancing toddler feet on my body and a snoring husband. At that moment I thought to myself "gosh it was nice..... "

Then I thought about The Family Bed, and I thought Vayden would be 5 months old now and although not big enough to sleep in the bed with all three of us, he would surely be able to spend a little time in there while we all lay awake. I saw my perfect, me and my 3 boys, then I thought about when I have another lil one, and if that baby so happens to be a girl. The outsiders looking in will see that as perfection. They will see a cute lil family, 1 boy 1 girl, and they will never know that my perfect was 2 kids, 2 boys and that I had that already, for 3hrs and 45min.

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

Ever seen that show??? I have watched it many times and as honest as these women seem and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, I personally don't see how anyone can go full term without kinda knowing something was different. I mean, I've had some contraction like gas before, but I know the difference.

Why am I writing about this show? PREGNANT I am not, that would be a true shock and surprise to my husband who is deployed right now. I'm writing because pregnancy is everywhere around me, my husband wants me to be pregnant, my close friends on base are all pregnant, people keep asking me when I'm going to try again, and every now and then I think "I better just get this over with", because I find myself making plans that don't include a new little person, and lets face it Vashon as a 2 yr old is amazing birth control. My husband will be home in 2-3 weeks and he's made it very clear that he wants another baby, we agreed that we would not actively try, but also not prevent. After being asked why I didn't want another baby, I came to the conclusion that I do want another baby, I just don't want to know when I'm pregnant. I think about having another baby all the time, but my mind skips over the pregnancy, so I hope that one day I will create a post introducing my new healthy baby, that I delivered in my bathroom while taking a poop and at the end of my post it will say "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

October 15th

Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, this day was set aside for everyone to remember those precious lives gone too soon. I will admit last year I didn’t know this fact, and like many unless this issue hits close to home, some may never know. Last year on October 15th I was sooooo upset driving home from a 2nd job I had taken up, I was tired, I was nauseous, and I was sneaking yet another pregnancy test into the house, hoping to be pregnant. Last year on October 16th I found out I was pregnant, it’s been a year now since I began this journey, and I will now come across milestone dates through the next 7 months until I apprehensively come back to May 23rd.

Today I lit the V candle from Vayden’s memorial service in memory of my sweet angel baby. I also lit another candle for all the other angels gone too soon. I sat down and watch Vayden’s slide show 4 times, reminding myself of all the wonderful things I did with him in the womb and out. I miss him, and look forward to seeing him again.

Raise your hand if you want another baby

If you asked me that question in a room of mothers who have angels, I might be the only one with my hands in my lap. I've met so many women on this journey, walking on the same path of infant loss, yet while they shift left to start trying again I walk straight. On my walk I meet and pick up stranded new mothers on this road trip, those that choose to carry to term, those that just recently suffered a loss, or those who trust me enough to share the story of their very own angel. My road trip is not depressing and contrary to others beliefs doing what I do does not leave me stagnate in one place of my grief. I learn something new every day about grief, I teach someone something new everyday about loss.

I love the memories, I have a photo of Vayden on my desk at home and every time I look at it, I smile. When I go back to the day I smile and I keep smiling, because I know he's smiling at me. New babies are very time consuming, before I raise my hand when asked if I want another baby I want to be sure that even with the new baby, I wont leave out my other two babies. That means that I will continue My Very Own Angel and play "I see you" with Vashon over and over again. My mom told me after I had Vashon, not to think about having another baby until he got his time to shine. I think I'm going to do the same with Vayden. Speaking of shinning, Vayden at only 3 heavenly months old made the local news click this link http://myveryownangel.org/MVOA-in-the-Media.php


I've said it before if it is for me to have another baby, then God will make it happen, if it's not I will always be a mother of two amazing boys.

Look at this photograph

I'm vacationing in California for a few weeks at my parents house. Vashon is their 1st grandchild but no longer their only. Needless to say their house is like a shrine dedicated to Vashon, pictures are everywhere. This is my 1st time being home after losing Vayden and I was pleasantly surprised to see that Vayden has his own lil shrine of pictures too.

My mother hangs photos of Vashon from birth to his current age (2 yrs) and swaps them out frequently. It's nice to look at a photo of Vashon when he was 3 mo old and then another when he was 13 mo old right next to it. I walked around their house looking at all the changes that Vashon has made in just 2 short years. Then I got to Vayden's photos and realized that his shrine would never change, my mother will never swap out the 6 mo photo for the 22 mo photo. It hit me that all of his photos will be of him being 3 hrs and 45 min old.

As I type this I'm looking at two picture frames on the computer desk, one of Vashon when he was only 2 mo old and one of Vayden a few hours after he passed. I look to my right and I see Vashon my now 2 yr old sleeping on the couch, but I do not see my what would be now 3.5 mo old Vayden.

As I look at this photograph I can remember everything from 5/23/2009 I can re play the story like it was yesterday, but as I look at this photograph my eyes get a lil watery because I know that this photograph will never be swapped out for a picture of Vayden at a later age.